Photo of where Tessa stayed on her recent writing retreat to begin editing Part II of her book. Hi, everybody. My name's Tessa. I'm a dancer, writer, thinker, and I'm on a thriving journey! This journey coincides with writing my autobiography, and it's a 5-year project. To explain, let me give a bit of the backstory: The last time I talked with a particular person who's highly important to me, I said, "I don't know how to thrive in this situation." That's the truth! I've felt stuck, panicked, terrified, and miserable for many years; I've been at a loss for how to grow, be happy, and make it in a situation that seems impossible. So what's a girl to do? Great question! I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. If there's one thing I know about me, it's this: I'm stubborn. True to myself, then, I'm choosing the challenging route in this journey. Yep! Since life has been challenging for so long, there's no way I'm gonna go for something easy. For, "easy" feels wrong (i.e., off) to me. I'll put myself through just about anything to make it to the other side--to the other side of this mess. Why? Because I believe the other side is/will be worth it. To be clear, I've been told more than once to leave my situation. I've had several opinions given about what I should do. I've even received attractive offers (e.g., if you knew my story, you'd know how specific encounters nearly took me over the edge). All of the "noise" has caused me to reflect long and hard about what I want in life. What's more, I'm sure I come across as the "bad guy" time and time again in my story. The truth is: I am the bad guy! I've been living the result of my errors for MANY years; my mistakes have haunted me since my teens. I'm TIRED OF THE JOURNEY, y'all--more than tired. I've wanted to give up like no other. Not a day went past in 2020 where I didn't want to run, call it quits, or go into complete hysterics (and yeah, I did many times by the end of the year). It's funny how someone can externally "keep it together," seeming calm, cool, and collected, but on the inside, be terrified, fed up, and nearly out of faith. That's me: I'm at the end of my rope. So tell us about the thriving journey, Tessa: Great! So, here enters the journey: the thriving journey. After my final conversation with that particular person, I knew there was no other option for me but to thrive in life. That final conversation was in June 2019. It's now March 6, 2021, and I have to tell you, I've been doing everything BUT thriving since then. Aside from reconnecting with old-friends (i.e., my awesome high school classmates), life's been a bear, and it's tried to consume me. It's a good thing I'm feisty; this story isn't gonna take me down, folks. It's not! So tell us about thriving, Tessa, and HOW you're going to make it: For starters, let's get nerdy. The word "thrive" comes from a Nordic word (how cool!). It's believed to be associated with "thrifa," which means "to grasp." In today's sense, thriving is mainly associated with growing, succeeding, prospering, making progress, and, overall, doing well in life. For example, we may hear about children thriving in their environments or how a business is growing and flourishing (i.e., prospering). According to these definitions, I want to grow! I want to succeed. I want my life to turn out well. However, I don't just want this for ME; I want whoever is close to me (or whoever encounters me) to thrive TOO!!! This means, above all, I want my family TO THRIVE. Mommy thriving = my children thriving; my children thriving = Mommy thriving. This then translates to our family life functioning at its optimum, which is . . . joy! That said, how the heck can one grow/succeed, especially when one feels stuck and trapped in life: Wow! Another great question. I hope to begin tackling these topics in upcoming posts. For, I'm not kidding: my very life depends on these subjects. So, to thriving! Let's go :) Here are some recent photos of Tessa & her family thriving :) Enjoy! Above are photos of me and the kiddos thriving and playing. Also, I went on another writing retreat. If you haven't already, you can see posts regarding my latest retreat here: Post 1, Post 2, Post 3. If you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. If you need to reach me, feel free to contact me. Enjoy the journey! Love, Tessa
0 Comments
Dancer, Tessa Priem, as she makes her video book.Howdy, Everybody. It's been a while since I've made a blog post regarding my art projects. Before I write, I want to say I hope everyone is doing okay. It's a tough time. Please hang in there! There's lots of joy & happiness, lots of pleasure waiting for us in life. E.g., flowers, food, birds, daily walks, and so on—the simple, elegant, beautiful things around us.
With that said, how bout we begin. What has Inner Reformation been up to regarding art? I'll tell you :) Tessa's Solo Dance Show Say, I haven't seen Tessa talk much about her solo performance lately. Has her danced autobiography fallen off her radar: Not at all! Tessa has been SECRETLY working on her solo show. Remember that enormous tumor she had removed from her body in May 2019? Well, during that recovery process, Tessa binge-read. From that challenging time came a brilliant idea: SHE SET HER MIND TO MAKE HER SOLO SHOW LIVE (on the Internet) FROM HER BASEMENT! Knowing that a million people would beat her to the punch, she's been quietly working (for at the time, NO ONE was doing LIVE performances from their home). Low and behold, on Friday, March 13, 2020, the virtual dance world was BORN. On that day, Tessa went, "Oh crud, everything has changed." At that moment, Tessa realized there was no one she needed to "beat" because the entire world was going to beat her to the punch after all: EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER was shifting to ONLINE performances. While she says this cautiously and with a great deal of respect and serious concern, Tessa feels this is good in many ways. She perceived the arts needed to move in this direction. Though sad and alarming, the shift can be a blessing, she hopes. Now, Tessa can work at her solo show as she's always desired to: at her pace. So there you have it, folks: Tessa Priem is working to make her solo show LIVE from her basement. Her secret is out of the bag. It will probably take her a century to make it happen, though! Good thing she hopes to live till the age of 100 :) Stay tuned. In the meantime, Tessa's got LOTS more to say about her solo narrative. She hopes you get to see it someday and that that day comes MUCH sooner than later (i.e., FAR less than a century away). The Written Autobiography Is Tessa still editing her autobiography? Does she realize that it's an insane endeavor: YES!!!! Tessa is still working on her written autobiography. It's coming along wonderfully. It's a slow work of art because Tessa is an intense perfectionist. Sure, she's TOTALLY terrified by this artistic effort, but her very life depends on it. The project, interestingly, keeps Tessa SANE and alive. She has the perfect set of co-editors; she couldn't have dreamed of more amazing people to work with. The feedback from her rough drafts has proved invaluable, as well. Thank you to all who have helped thus far. What is Tessa currently doing with this project: Outside of her intense editing sessions, Tessa is working to make this book available in at least three formats: a written version, an audio version, and a VIDEO BOOK. She's already recorded the Introduction and the first two chapters. Stay tuned! Tessa's Bible Studies I have my suspicions Tessa may be a machine. She essentially wrote two books in six months--her autobiography & this Bible study. Is she: Tessa isn't at all a machine; she's very much human and fragile. For personal reasons, Tessa darn near lost her faith over the past two years. Being in a spiritual crisis, she hunkered down and drew closer to Jesus. Her Bible study on Luke's Gospel is freely available for anyone to study. It's written by a struggling woman who's studied theology and has been reading Luke's Gospel since her early 20's (Tessa is now 37!). What's next with Tessa's Bible studies: Tessa hopes to get Luke somehow published within the next two years. Whatever proceeds come from that, she hopes to donate to Mekane Yesus Church in Ethiopia (more on this later. It's a wild/cool/unexpected story!). She also hopes to start writing her study on Acts (note: Tessa ran out of steam and had to postpone its writing for 2020). She's also thankful that 100 people wanted to be a part of this study for Luke 2020. Thanks be to God! Inner Ref's Outdoor Dance Project So, what is this: Tessa pursued a year-long Outdoor Dance Project throughout the year 2019-2020. This project came about totally by accident. You can read all about it here! Now that she's finished with her year-long Outdoor Dance Project, what does Tessa hope to accomplish with her year's worth of work: Thank you for asking. Lord willing, this will be Inner Reformation's first product produced and sold for purchase. Tessa is eager, excited, & hopeful about this effort. There are many logistics to figure out, but she can't wait to show you the finished products. Time will reveal more. Stay tuned :) The Thriving Project What's this? I'm interested in thriving: This project coincides with Tessa's written autobiography. In time, she'll share more. For now, the project is basically this: how can people thrive in life/how can you thrive in life? Do you want to work towards thriving: Check out Tessa's first two videos on the Thriving Project, Video #1 & Video #2. Also, you can join the push-up challenge with her. She'd love to nominate you. You can check out her friend, Dave Lyons, too, who's KILLING IT in this challenge to raise awareness for mental health. Let's overcome, folks! Conclusion Well, friends, thanks for reading some of my updates on the work of Inner Reformation. There's a lot more I could share. I could tell you about the team of amazing people Inner Reformation has been building. I could tell you about Rose Dancing and some other artistic hopes I have. For now, this is quite enough. Take care, everyone. Be safe, stay sane. Enjoy the journey! Love, Tessa P.S. People sometimes comment, "I don't know how you do all you do." The answer is: I don't like to sleep, and I've had an internal drive within me since my early 20's to do all that I am doing now. Don't worry, though, I intend to work on my sleeping. That's part of The Thriving Project :) God's blessings. If you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook & Instagram. You can also subscribe to Inner Reformation on Youtube where I post all kinds of lovely outdoor dance videos. Feel free to like, share, or comment on this post. Finally, if you need to reach me, feel free to contact me. Enjoy the journey! Love, Tessa Dancer, Tessa Priem, creator of "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced" & the book Hi, everyone. I'm keeping a record as I write my book. I did something similar while creating my dance. What shall I share today? Two things: 1) the progress on my written autobiography, and 2) on what's next.
What was the second session of binge-writing like: Fun question! I didn't anticipate chapters 9-12 taking so long to write (two weeks). At most, I perceived a week. I didn't expect to share all that I did--I didn't hide anything in the writing. For this reason, each chapter became progressively harder to pen. Chapter 12 was the most challenging. It took an entire week to write. Overall, this second binge-writing was emotional, even grueling. I was exhausted at the end of the process! How has editing been going: I love editing. Like obsessing over each move in my dance, so I fixate on making my writing better. I love working with my editors. Each is perfect for who I am. Being a tedious person, editing/perfecting suits my personality. Somehow, my editor has chosen visualizations that apply to my life. Without knowing me, she chose a box and a music box. I had to close my eyes and imagine my book fitting inside these. At the end of the box visualization, I threw my papers into the air. Afterward, I sobbed like a baby in front of my editor. (Note: it is only because of that visualization that I dared to write chapters 9-12, knowing that I could not hide anything). With the music box, I held the box to my chest and smiled. She has no idea how these visualizations are eerily familiar to my life story. I love my editors. Now that your rough draft is complete, how are you feeling: I'm thankful to be done and proud, but self-doubt has never been greater. My mind keeps asking, "Did I write the right story?" Fear is screaming. Thankfully, the book won't be published tomorrow! I had tons of self-doubt while creating my dance, but nothing like this. For fear, I even wonder if a soul will read it; will I let them? If the book remains as is, nothing else like it exists. Even I gasp at individual words and paragraphs, and I've lived the story for 23 years now (almost 37, if I count my entire life). In other words, the tale is not new to me, yet always remains surprising. How has COVID affected your writing: I anticipated penning the book in one year, around one chapter per month. Again, I officially began this writing project on October 31, 2019 (writing the first chapter & Introduction on a writing retreat in November, 2019). COVID provided the opportunity and inspiration to finish the book NOW. Even so, this autobiography remains a five-year project. I hope to complete editing by this time next year, if not sooner. In five years, I'll pen the epilogue. What are your biggest fears about your writing at this point: Of course, I fear to hurt people, saying something insensitive or writing something false, etc. I fear that I'll harm someone's reputation, or that I shouldn't be writing the book. I fear that I could ruin my children's life or lose all that matters to me. I fear fame. I fear that I've written the wrong book, and will have to entirely re-write it. Most of all, I fear that I will lose my faith and that many people will come to hate me (I'm not kidding!). For example, if my life goes the way that I don't want it to go (i.e., the opposite of what I've written in my book), then I'll have to make a tough decision and likely be alienated from most of my support structures. In which case, how can you make a story like that happy? All of these are deeply terrifying thoughts to me. All of this sounds intense, I know! It is. It's why I cry. A LOT! How do you counter these fears: By working on things that I can control, and by letting my faith speak what is within me, deeply listening to it. The concerns cannot have the upper hand, though they about make me give up in art and life, almost daily. This is no joke! If you lived with me, you would see my weekly, if not daily, agitation. I also get permission from people to include them in my dance and book. This lets my mind rest, and I will always make myself the ultimate bad guy in my writing. If I'm going to blame anyone, I will blame me. So rest assured, if you're in my book, you're not the enemy. I may say something "bad" about you, but I'll say something worse about myself. What are some tough questions that you've been asked so far in the making of this book: "Don't you feel bad writing about that person; isn't that inconsiderate of you?" "Are you sure this writing project is worth it; what if it comes back to haunt you and your family?" "Are you sure you aren't exaggerating this story; I don't know if I can believe you." And before writing my book, "You aren't owning up to your story." That's the wrong thing to tell someone like me and is 100% inaccurate. It only fuels my flame! Tell us one fun thing about your editing process: I read my writing over and over to myself using different accents, mostly British. What's next for you, Tessa: I plan to run around nude. Seriously, I will probably do that someday. You've been forewarned. In the meantime, I will keep perfecting my dance and working towards showing it again. I will edit my book and finish my Outdoor Dance Project. I'll keep writing my Luke/Acts 2020 Bible study. Here very shortly, I will officially begin recording my, "Finding a Way to Thrive" project. Stay tuned! I'm so excited about this project I could burst. To read more about my writing project, see my other blog posts (Writing #1, Writing #2, Writing #3, Writing #4). Here's a FB entry regarding the showing in my basement of my dance project--halfway through--six months into the creation of my solo dance show. Here is a FB post from when my children couldn't be with me because I was so sick in 2013 (my daughter was young, away from her mommy). Note: links to the original writings are just that, the originals! They are not the edited, official versions. If you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook & Instagram. You can also subscribe to Inner Reformation on Youtube where I post all kinds of lovely outdoor dance videos. Feel free to like, share, or comment on this post. Finally, if you need to reach me, feel free to contact me. Enjoy the journey! Love, Tessa Dancer, Tessa Priem, creator of "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced" & the book. Hi, Dear Reader. Since I've compiled the behind the scenes of Making Inner Reformation, the dance, I want to do the same for creating the book--keeping a record of me making it. So let's take a look!
So what's next? Thanks for asking! Before the middle of April, I hope to pen the remaining four chapters. I have two persons helping with editing. And we hope to complete this book, editing and all, by October 31, 2020. By the first of the year, or as soon as possible, I hope it is in some way accessible for purchase. And at the end of five years (October 31, 2024), I will pen the epilogue. Tell us about your writing process? As I said, I needed time to build up courage, and this was gained through writing blog posts, getting out what I needed to say before writing the actual book. Chapter one was easy to pen, but the Introduction was hard because I was afraid to reveal what is within me (i.e., the scope of my project). Chapters 2 & 3 were a joy to write, even if emotional. Chapters 4-8, I'm still processing. For my writing, by the way, I write in a journal and transfer that material to Grammarly. Then, I make public posts on Facebook to gain feedback on each new chapter. The feedback has proved invaluable and has gained me a little over one dozen faithful friends who critique my work. Being an exceptionally tedious person, I read and re-read the whole of the writing; I'm constantly editing it. How is this writing impacting you? Overall, I'm enjoying it. Writing doesn't give me as much of a high as making dance, but that's okay. A big concern of mine is not to hurt people I love as I write it and when I make references about them in my book. So I'm very conscious of that while making this art. I'm also a workaholic, so not going to bed at 4 am is hard for me. And some, or a lot, of the subject matter is tough, so emotionally working through that is a necessity. What do you hope for this book? I hope that it will pair nicely with my dance and that it will reach as many people as possible. I also hope to enjoy the remaining months and years in creating it. Note: links to the original writings are just that, the originals! They are not the edited, official versions. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook & Instagram. You can also subscribe to Inner Reformation on Youtube where I post all kinds of lovely outdoor dance videos. Feel free to like, share, or comment on this post. And finally, if you need to reach me, feel free to contact me. Enjoy!
Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project. My life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy! The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #5 Tessa's Writing Retreat to Eureka Springs Hello! It's been a while since I've made a blog entry regarding my book, my written autobiography. Over Thanksgiving (2019), I went on a writing retreat in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I had the best time ever! As a mother, I have never left my kids for that long (save for illness or having a child). So this was a particularly special treat for me. I didn't want to come home; it was that much fun! I will include photos of my journey, of course. But first, I want to tell you a bit about my trip. What did I enjoy there? ADVENTURE!!! I saw as much as I possibly could, ate at DELICIOUS restaurants, and wrote and wrote and wrote. I love to work hard for hours on end (in this case, on writing), and then I like to celebrate. And this is precisely what I did! I met a lot of people, had some heart-to-heart conversations with strangers, and enjoyed being with myself and being playful. All of this, I humbly accomplished as I wrote the first chapter of my book and the introduction. Interestingly, the day I started writing in Eureka Springs, I began writing a different book. Earlier, I mentioned how AFRAID I am to write. I needed to get all of that fear out to START the book! I am entirely pleased with the writing accomplished on this retreat, and I feel that it has prepared me for moving forward. I cannot wait to write chapter two! Of course, having such an enjoyable experience in Eureka Springs, this brings me to my next duty: I need to find another location for writing. I have applied to a residency, and I sincerely hope I get it. The destination is in Alaska, and I requested a four-week stay. Time will tell if I am approved. In the meantime, I will keep dancing and writing! Have a blessed New Year. Here are some photos from my writing retreat in Eureka Springs this November, 2019. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook & Instagram. You can also subscribe to Inner Reformation on Youtube where I post all kinds of lovely outdoor dance videos. Enjoy!
Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #4 Are You Being Honest? "You know, Tessa, you aren't forthright." That's what she told me. That's what my roommate told me years ago. She asked me a question but could see the dishonesty in my reply, likely through my nervous glance. She was right: I internally thought differently than how I answered her. I guess I didn't want to hurt her feelings, even though all she wanted was an honest reply. Though it's embarrassing, I'll go ahead and tell you that I didn't know what forthright meant at that time. So I looked it up, and I was none too pleased with this definition of myself. I had never thought of myself as a liar; I considered my speech to be honest. But this proclamation hit me: there was a lot that I lied about because I didn't want to disappoint people. It's not that I did this every day, or straight up weaved wicked falsities, but in subtle ways, I was insincere when pressed. When in an uncomfortable situation, I would bend the truth. Yet I would somehow think I told the truth simply because I had been "nice" in my response. This revelation and accusation of me lacking honesty hit me similarly to being called a 3 x 5 pool. It's not who I wanted to be! But how could I possibly become forthright? I was far too timid in situations where I perceived I might hurt someone, AND I hated conflict with a passion, as I already mentioned. To say "nice" things or to politely back out of the relationship always seemed the easiest route to go. If you're dating someone and you don't like something about them, back out of the relationship! If someone said something and it hurt you, don't tell them! Just keep it to yourself and see if it goes away. It'll probably go away. However, in my case, and in many instances, it doesn't go away! Not for someone like me! Not for someone who holds onto things, never letting them go. In other words, dishonesty and unresolved conflict have a way of lodging within that makes it challenging to live, let alone interact with the other person. Especially in cases where the absolute truth is needed. How many relationships could have gone differently, I wonder, had I been truthful? How much more would I, and the other person, have grown if we would have talked, opened up? Where did I learn this timidity, this lack of courage in my communication? Was it nature or nurture, or both? How could I undo it? And would things have ended up differently between him and me if we both would have been HONEST? I will never know because that is the past. I will never know what "could have been;" I will never ever know that. But what I do know is that I have now. I have the opportunity to be brave and sincere NOW. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #3 Can I Be Brave? I've always been a girl who likes to ask questions. In catechism class, it was one question after another. I loved talking with adults as a youth and could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. At seventeen, I chatted a whole flight with some random guy about COWS. Even today, I love questions and conversations. Put me one-on-one or in a group setting, and I will probably steer the discussion with my QUESTIONS because I love hearing people. I love listening. I want to see what knowledge I can gain, what I can learn. Of course, my favorite dialogs involve laughter, but more than this, often, the deeper I can go with someone, the better. Conversations that lead to "I love you," those are my favorite. Yet, the irony is, when the tables are turned, when the questions are asked of me, I can freeze up. For whatever reason, it can be hard to answer. I struggle to form the words. I don't know where to begin. But I'm not talking about regular conversing such as "How's the weather?" I think I can do that decently! Instead, I'm talking about personal stuff, having to open up about yourself, who you are, THAT can be tough. Because when you get into the internal things, the inner workings of a person, you start to learn what matters most to people. You begin to discover their greatest joys and their greatest pains. To open up to you about THAT, well, I'm not sure I can, for there is nothing that means more to me than those topics. How can I trust you with what matters most to me? Yet, the resistance on my part goes even further. I hesitate to tell you personal things because I hate conflict. I hate disagreement. When I finally open up, what if you and I see differently? Then what? Will I distance myself from you; will you pull away from me? Will you hate me? And if you don't measure up to my standards, when you open up to me, will I walk away? Will you leave me if I somehow fail to meet your criteria of "perfection"? Or What if I hurt you in my telling? What if I inadvertently bring harm to you by expressing what is within me? I hate hurting people. I've already done enough damage; I don't want to offend more! But if I don't speak, would that be akin to a murderous act; when I hold something within that could help you, should I keep it to myself because of my fear? In other words, Can I be honest with you? I mean, REALLY honest? When you press me, when you seek to find out what is within me, can I share, or will I cave? Can I be brave enough to answer what you ask of me? Can I show you what I hold within--what matters most to me? I'm not sure. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written I'm going to tell you a story. It's so complex; you may wonder if it's real. I wonder if it's real ALL OF THE TIME. As a matter of fact, I don't believe the story. I don't trust it's a good story. I think it's a bad story, a stupid story, a story that will have NO GOOD outcome. And YET, I guess I do have something MILDLY within that says otherwise. To be sure, I've always had something inside me that ACHES. A yearning that never ceases that very rarely allows me to rest. For years I've cried, "PLEASE, Lord!" Yet, the answer is ALWAYS, "No." No, no, no, no, no. That's the answer. EVERY TIME. "NO!" Since I've been told NO repeatedly, for twenty years and counting, I cannot find any faith that there will ever be a "Yes" this side of eternity. How could there be? It hasn't happened YET! The wait feels long, too long, and the journey, insanely confusing. And at this point, things are at their worst, and that is not an exaggeration. But the funny thing is, the peculiar thing, alongside my current, voracious unbelief, or perhaps somewhere in the middle of it, very faintly glowing, is this continual, persistent nudge that says, "Tessa, it's going to happen." Like a reality that's trying to penetrate my mind and heart; it's persistent: Tessa, the impossible is going to happen. BUT . . . But what if that inclination is bogus? Maybe that MILD thing within that's trying to counter the unbelief--maybe that mild thing within is a BIG FAT LIE. That whisper of promise, that hint of fulfillment, perhaps it's simply NOTHING. Or worse! An evil plot to get your hopes up, to tease you, to torment you. To make your earthly life MISERABLE, like you're experiencing a smidgen of hell--or like, a foreshadowing of your sure allotment in hell. God out to get you. Slowly killing you, torturing you with all you ever wanted, keeping it JUST OUT OF REACH. Like you're on a leash: you can only get so close to the thing you've PRAYED FOR (panted for) only to be YANKED back. And so you're left questioning EVERYTHING, at the point of compromising all you've ever believed: you're on the edge of doing something desperate. For you have never been answered in the affirmative, but only teased with visions of something YOU CAN'T HAVE. Nonetheless, it's there, dangling right in front of you like you could almost reach out and hug it, but it's NOT for you. So what do you do? That little thing within you that's trying to calm your fear, what is it? Which is it? A big fat lie, a sure promise, or something in the middle. And WHEN will you ever KNOW???? Will the answer always be, "No"? Well, maybe I shouldn't say this. Perhaps I shouldn't do this. The little flicker would probably say, "DON'T say what you're about to write." But, rebellious me will take a stab at it: that little flicker within is probably one big, fat-ass lie. And I've been the fool for 20 years and counting. It's nothing but a joke, a lie, a riddle, an illusion. An impossible situation that I cannot do. And so what did I do? I did the only thing I could: I left! Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy! The Autobiography Written I was once told, "Getting to know you is like diving into a 3 x 5 pool." I laughed when I read it, and yet it hurt. It was sadly true: getting to know me was HARD. The man continued, "Getting to know you is like diving into a 3 x 5 pool, and I want to dive into an ocean." He wasn't saying, "Tessa, you're shallow. There's not much to you." He was highlighting, "You won't let me dive deep." I kept his words with me because I knew that's not who I wanted to be. And yet, for me to let people SEE me, well, that was a no-no. For them to know what was inside me, no way! Or to externally see my vulnerabilities, heavens no! But as life would have it, by necessity, I've had to become more aquatic, oceanic. And yet, hardly has the surface been scratched. The fact is: I HATE telling you about me. And I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. I won't call you for over a year. I won't make plans with you. I will change the subject. I will avoid eye contact with you. I will ask more and more questions about YOU. Because I don't WANT to tell you. "I don't want to talk about it;" that's what I used to say. Someone that I once loved MOST, more than anything else in the world, even more than I loved God, he told me, "Tessa, you know, if you don't learn to talk about your problems, someday that's going to harm you." Fast forward a decade & a half, he was right. Severe depression, almost fatal; a health collapse--it FELT fatal. And yet there I was, still alive: having to confess all I NEVER WANTED TO CONFESS. Here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. |
Tessa PriemHi, my name is Tessa. I'm a dancer, choreographer, writer, performer, and digital art maker--the creator of the solo show "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced." It's my life story danced out! I began creating my solo show on October 31, 2016. Now (October 31, 2019), I seek to put my life story into words. I'm allowing myself five years to complete my written autobiography; it's an adventure! Feel free to leave comments, share, "like" these blog posts, and so forth. If you need anything, just write! Archives
March 2021
Categories |