Inner Reformation: Part One, the Idol

Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!

 
                                                                                 
​The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #3

Can I Be Brave?

I've always been a girl who likes to ask questions. In catechism class, it was one question after another. I loved talking with adults as a youth and could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. At seventeen, I chatted a whole flight with some random guy about COWS. 

Even today, I love questions and conversations. Put me one-on-one or in a group setting, and I will probably steer the discussion with my QUESTIONS because I love hearing people. I love listening. I want to see what knowledge I can gain, what I can learn. Of course, my favorite dialogs involve laughter, but more than this, often, the deeper I can go with someone, the better. Conversations that lead to "I love you," those are my favorite. 

Yet, the irony is, when the tables are turned, when the questions are asked of me, I can freeze up. For whatever reason, it can be hard to answer. I struggle to form the words. I don't know where to begin. But I'm not talking about regular conversing such as "How's the weather?" I think I can do that decently! Instead, I'm talking about personal stuff, having to open up about yourself, who you are, THAT can be tough. Because when you get into the internal things, the inner workings of a person, you start to learn what matters most to people. You begin to discover their greatest joys and their greatest pains. To open up to you about THAT, well, I'm not sure I can, for there is nothing that means more to me than those topics. How can I trust you with what matters most to me?

Yet, the resistance on my part goes even further. I hesitate to tell you personal things because I hate conflict. I hate disagreement. When I finally open up, what if you and I see differently? Then what? Will I distance myself from you; will you pull away from me? Will you hate me? And if you don't measure up to my standards, when you open up to me, will I walk away? Will you leave me if I somehow fail to meet your criteria of "perfection"? 

Or 

What if I hurt you in my telling? What if I inadvertently bring harm to you by expressing what is within me? I hate hurting people. I've already done enough damage; I don't want to offend more! But if I don't speak, would that be akin to a murderous act; when I hold something within that could help you, should I keep it to myself because of my fear? 

In other words,

Can I be honest with you? I mean, REALLY honest? When you press me, when you seek to find out what is within me, can I share, or will I cave? Can I be brave enough to answer what you ask of me? Can I show you what I hold within--what matters most to me?

I'm not sure.


Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page!