Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written
I'm going to tell you a story. It's so complex; you may wonder if it's real. I wonder if it's real ALL OF THE TIME. As a matter of fact, I don't believe the story. I don't trust it's a good story. I think it's a bad story, a stupid story, a story that will have NO GOOD outcome. And YET, I guess I do have something MILDLY within that says otherwise.
To be sure, I've always had something inside me that ACHES. A yearning that never ceases that very rarely allows me to rest. For years I've cried, "PLEASE, Lord!" Yet, the answer is ALWAYS, "No." No, no, no, no, no. That's the answer. EVERY TIME. "NO!"
Since I've been told NO repeatedly, for twenty years and counting, I cannot find any faith that there will ever be a "Yes" this side of eternity. How could there be? It hasn't happened YET! The wait feels long, too long, and the journey, insanely confusing. And at this point, things are at their worst, and that is not an exaggeration.
But the funny thing is, the peculiar thing, alongside my current, voracious unbelief, or perhaps somewhere in the middle of it, very faintly glowing, is this continual, persistent nudge that says, "Tessa, it's going to happen." Like a reality that's trying to penetrate my mind and heart; it's persistent: Tessa, the impossible is going to happen.
BUT . . .
But what if that inclination is bogus? Maybe that MILD thing within that's trying to counter the unbelief--maybe that mild thing within is a BIG FAT LIE. That whisper of promise, that hint of fulfillment, perhaps it's simply NOTHING. Or worse! An evil plot to get your hopes up, to tease you, to torment you. To make your earthly life MISERABLE, like you're experiencing a smidgen of hell--or like, a foreshadowing of your sure allotment in hell. God out to get you. Slowly killing you, torturing you with all you ever wanted, keeping it JUST OUT OF REACH. Like you're on a leash: you can only get so close to the thing you've PRAYED FOR (panted for) only to be YANKED back. And so you're left questioning EVERYTHING, at the point of compromising all you've ever believed: you're on the edge of doing something desperate. For you have never been answered in the affirmative, but only teased with visions of something YOU CAN'T HAVE. Nonetheless, it's there, dangling right in front of you like you could almost reach out and hug it, but it's NOT for you.
So what do you do? That little thing within you that's trying to calm your fear, what is it? Which is it? A big fat lie, a sure promise, or something in the middle. And WHEN will you ever KNOW???? Will the answer always be, "No"?
Well, maybe I shouldn't say this. Perhaps I shouldn't do this. The little flicker would probably say, "DON'T say what you're about to write." But, rebellious me will take a stab at it: that little flicker within is probably one big, fat-ass lie. And I've been the fool for 20 years and counting. It's nothing but a joke, a lie, a riddle, an illusion. An impossible situation that I cannot do.
And so what did I do?
I did the only thing I could: I left!
Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post.
Hi, my name is Tessa. I'm a dancer, choreographer, writer, performer, and digital art maker--the creator of the solo show "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced." It's my life story danced out! I began creating my solo show on October 31, 2016. Now (October 31, 2019), I seek to put my life story into words. I'm allowing myself five years to complete my written autobiography; it's an adventure! Feel free to leave comments, share, "like" these blog posts, and so forth. If you need anything, just write!