 Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #4 Are You Being Honest? "You know, Tessa, you aren't forthright." That's what she told me. That's what my roommate told me years ago. She asked me a question but could see the dishonesty in my reply, likely through my nervous glance. She was right: I internally thought differently than how I answered her. I guess I didn't want to hurt her feelings, even though all she wanted was an honest reply. Though it's embarrassing, I'll go ahead and tell you that I didn't know what forthright meant at that time. So I looked it up, and I was none too pleased with this definition of myself. I had never thought of myself as a liar; I considered my speech to be honest. But this proclamation hit me: there was a lot that I lied about because I didn't want to disappoint people. It's not that I did this every day, or straight up weaved wicked falsities, but in subtle ways, I was insincere when pressed. When in an uncomfortable situation, I would bend the truth. Yet I would somehow think I told the truth simply because I had been "nice" in my response. This revelation and accusation of me lacking honesty hit me similarly to being called a 3 x 5 pool. It's not who I wanted to be! But how could I possibly become forthright? I was far too timid in situations where I perceived I might hurt someone, AND I hated conflict with a passion, as I already mentioned. To say "nice" things or to politely back out of the relationship always seemed the easiest route to go. If you're dating someone and you don't like something about them, back out of the relationship! If someone said something and it hurt you, don't tell them! Just keep it to yourself and see if it goes away. It'll probably go away. However, in my case, and in many instances, it doesn't go away! Not for someone like me! Not for someone who holds onto things, never letting them go. In other words, dishonesty and unresolved conflict have a way of lodging within that makes it challenging to live, let alone interact with the other person. Especially in cases where the absolute truth is needed. How many relationships could have gone differently, I wonder, had I been truthful? How much more would I, and the other person, have grown if we would have talked, opened up? Where did I learn this timidity, this lack of courage in my communication? Was it nature or nurture, or both? How could I undo it? And would things have ended up differently between him and me if we both would have been HONEST? I will never know because that is the past. I will never know what "could have been;" I will never ever know that. But what I do know is that I have now. I have the opportunity to be brave and sincere NOW. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page!
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 Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #3 Can I Be Brave? I've always been a girl who likes to ask questions. In catechism class, it was one question after another. I loved talking with adults as a youth and could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. At seventeen, I chatted a whole flight with some random guy about COWS. Even today, I love questions and conversations. Put me one-on-one or in a group setting, and I will probably steer the discussion with my QUESTIONS because I love hearing people. I love listening. I want to see what knowledge I can gain, what I can learn. Of course, my favorite dialogs involve laughter, but more than this, often, the deeper I can go with someone, the better. Conversations that lead to "I love you," those are my favorite. Yet, the irony is, when the tables are turned, when the questions are asked of me, I can freeze up. For whatever reason, it can be hard to answer. I struggle to form the words. I don't know where to begin. But I'm not talking about regular conversing such as "How's the weather?" I think I can do that decently! Instead, I'm talking about personal stuff, having to open up about yourself, who you are, THAT can be tough. Because when you get into the internal things, the inner workings of a person, you start to learn what matters most to people. You begin to discover their greatest joys and their greatest pains. To open up to you about THAT, well, I'm not sure I can, for there is nothing that means more to me than those topics. How can I trust you with what matters most to me? Yet, the resistance on my part goes even further. I hesitate to tell you personal things because I hate conflict. I hate disagreement. When I finally open up, what if you and I see differently? Then what? Will I distance myself from you; will you pull away from me? Will you hate me? And if you don't measure up to my standards, when you open up to me, will I walk away? Will you leave me if I somehow fail to meet your criteria of "perfection"? Or What if I hurt you in my telling? What if I inadvertently bring harm to you by expressing what is within me? I hate hurting people. I've already done enough damage; I don't want to offend more! But if I don't speak, would that be akin to a murderous act; when I hold something within that could help you, should I keep it to myself because of my fear? In other words, Can I be honest with you? I mean, REALLY honest? When you press me, when you seek to find out what is within me, can I share, or will I cave? Can I be brave enough to answer what you ask of me? Can I show you what I hold within--what matters most to me? I'm not sure. Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page!  Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!
The Autobiography Written I'm going to tell you a story. It's so complex; you may wonder if it's real. I wonder if it's real ALL OF THE TIME. As a matter of fact, I don't believe the story. I don't trust it's a good story. I think it's a bad story, a stupid story, a story that will have NO GOOD outcome. And YET, I guess I do have something MILDLY within that says otherwise. To be sure, I've always had something inside me that ACHES. A yearning that never ceases that very rarely allows me to rest. For years I've cried, "PLEASE, Lord!" Yet, the answer is ALWAYS, "No." No, no, no, no, no. That's the answer. EVERY TIME. "NO!" Since I've been told NO repeatedly, for twenty years and counting, I cannot find any faith that there will ever be a "Yes" this side of eternity. How could there be? It hasn't happened YET! The wait feels long, too long, and the journey, insanely confusing. And at this point, things are at their worst, and that is not an exaggeration. But the funny thing is, the peculiar thing, alongside my current, voracious unbelief, or perhaps somewhere in the middle of it, very faintly glowing, is this continual, persistent nudge that says, "Tessa, it's going to happen." Like a reality that's trying to penetrate my mind and heart; it's persistent: Tessa, the impossible is going to happen. BUT . . . But what if that inclination is bogus? Maybe that MILD thing within that's trying to counter the unbelief--maybe that mild thing within is a BIG FAT LIE. That whisper of promise, that hint of fulfillment, perhaps it's simply NOTHING. Or worse! An evil plot to get your hopes up, to tease you, to torment you. To make your earthly life MISERABLE, like you're experiencing a smidgen of hell--or like, a foreshadowing of your sure allotment in hell. God out to get you. Slowly killing you, torturing you with all you ever wanted, keeping it JUST OUT OF REACH. Like you're on a leash: you can only get so close to the thing you've PRAYED FOR (panted for) only to be YANKED back. And so you're left questioning EVERYTHING, at the point of compromising all you've ever believed: you're on the edge of doing something desperate. For you have never been answered in the affirmative, but only teased with visions of something YOU CAN'T HAVE. Nonetheless, it's there, dangling right in front of you like you could almost reach out and hug it, but it's NOT for you. So what do you do? That little thing within you that's trying to calm your fear, what is it? Which is it? A big fat lie, a sure promise, or something in the middle. And WHEN will you ever KNOW???? Will the answer always be, "No"? Well, maybe I shouldn't say this. Perhaps I shouldn't do this. The little flicker would probably say, "DON'T say what you're about to write." But, rebellious me will take a stab at it: that little flicker within is probably one big, fat-ass lie. And I've been the fool for 20 years and counting. It's nothing but a joke, a lie, a riddle, an illusion. An impossible situation that I cannot do. And so what did I do? I did the only thing I could: I left! Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. |
Tessa PriemHi, my name is Tessa. I'm a dancer, choreographer, writer, performer, and digital art maker--the creator of the solo show "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced." It's my life story danced out! I began creating my solo show on October 31, 2016. Now (October 31, 2019), I seek to put my life story into words. I'm allowing myself five years to complete my written autobiography; it's an adventure! Feel free to leave comments, share, "like" these blog posts, and so forth. If you need anything, just write! Archives
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