Hi, everyone. I'm keeping a record as I write my book. I did something similar while creating my dance. What shall I share today? Two things: 1) the progress on my written autobiography, and 2) on what's next.
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• Since lockdown, I've had two binge-writing sessions. For the first, I wrote four chapters in around four days. These chapters are rough and will require significant revisions
• Session two, I wrote just as vigorously but made thorough outlines for my writing. I'm proud of these chapters (chapters 9-12). They took two weeks to pen
• I've met with my co-editor twice online, once before finishing the book and once after. She does visualizations with me. While she reads, I close my eyes and comment on anything I want to add or change, and she asks me for clarifications in the writing
• Once I finish editing the Introduction, I will soon begin perfecting chapter 1 and so forth, continuing to work with my editors

What was the second session of binge-writing like: Fun question! I didn't anticipate chapters 9-12 taking so long to write (two weeks). At most, I perceived a week. I didn't expect to share all that I did--I didn't hide anything in the writing. For this reason, each chapter became progressively harder to pen. Chapter 12 was the most challenging. It took an entire week to write. Overall, this second binge-writing was emotional, even grueling. I was exhausted at the end of the process!


How has editing been going: I love editing. Like obsessing over each move in my dance, so I fixate on making my writing better. I love working with my editors. Each is perfect for who I am. Being a tedious person, editing/perfecting suits my personality. Somehow, my editor has chosen visualizations that apply to my life. Without knowing me, she chose a box and a music box. I had to close my eyes and imagine my book fitting inside these. At the end of the box visualization, I threw my papers into the air. Afterward, I sobbed like a baby in front of my editor. (Note: it is only because of that visualization that I dared to write chapters 9-12, knowing that I could not hide anything). With the music box, I held the box to my chest and smiled. She has no idea how these visualizations are eerily familiar to my life story. I love my editors. 


Now that your rough draft is complete, how are you feeling: I'm thankful to be done and proud, but self-doubt has never been greater. My mind keeps asking, "Did I write the right story?" Fear is screaming. Thankfully, the book won't be published tomorrow! I had tons of self-doubt while creating my dance, but nothing like this. For fear, I even wonder if a soul will read it; will I let them? If the book remains as is, nothing else like it exists. Even I gasp at individual words and paragraphs, and I've lived the story for 23 years now (almost 37, if I count my entire life). In other words, the tale is not new to me, yet always remains surprising. 


How has COVID affected your writing: I anticipated penning the book in one year, around one chapter per month. Again, I officially began this writing project on October 31, 2019 (writing the first chapter & Introduction on a writing retreat in November, 2019). COVID provided the opportunity and inspiration to finish the book NOW. Even so, this autobiography remains a five-year project. I hope to complete editing by this time next year, if not sooner. In five years, I'll pen the epilogue.


What are your biggest fears about your writing at this point: Of course, I fear to hurt people, saying something insensitive or writing something false, etc. I fear that I'll harm someone's reputation, or that I shouldn't be writing the book. I fear that I could ruin my children's life or lose all that matters to me. I fear fame. I fear that I've written the wrong book, and will have to entirely re-write it. Most of all, I fear that I will lose my faith and that many people will come to hate me (I'm not kidding!). For example, if my life goes the way that I don't want it to go (i.e., the opposite of what I've written in my book), then I'll have to make a tough decision and likely be alienated from most of my support structures. In which case, how can you make a story like that happy? All of these are deeply terrifying thoughts to me. All of this sounds intense, I know! It is. It's why I cry. A LOT!


How do you counter these fears: By working on things that I can control, and by letting my faith speak what is within me, deeply listening to it. The concerns cannot have the upper hand, though they about make me give up in art and life, almost daily. This is no joke! If you lived with me, you would see my weekly, if not daily, agitation. I also get permission from people to include them in my dance and book. This lets my mind rest, and I will always make myself the ultimate bad guy in my writing. If I'm going to blame anyone, I will blame me. So rest assured, if you're in my book, you're not the enemy. I may say something "bad" about you, but I'll say something worse about myself. 


What are some tough questions that you've been asked so far in the making of this book: "Don't you feel bad writing about that person; isn't that inconsiderate of you?" "Are you sure this writing project is worth it; what if it comes back to haunt you and your family?" "Are you sure you aren't exaggerating this story; I don't know if I can believe you." And before writing my book, "You aren't owning up to your story." That's the wrong thing to tell someone like me and is 100% inaccurate. It only fuels my flame!


Tell us one fun thing about your editing process: I read my writing over and over to myself using different accents, mostly British.


What's next for you, Tessa: I plan to run around nude. Seriously, I will probably do that someday. You've been forewarned. In the meantime, I will keep perfecting my dance and working towards showing it again. I will edit my book and finish my Outdoor Dance Project. I'll keep writing my Luke/Acts 2020 Bible study. Here very shortly, I will officially begin recording my, "Finding a Way to Thrive" project. Stay tuned! I'm so excited about this project I could burst. 



To read more about my writing project, see my other blog posts (Writing #1, Writing #2, Writing #3, Writing #4). Here's a FB entry regarding the showing in my basement of my dance project--halfway through--six months into the creation of my solo dance show. Here is a FB post from when my children couldn't be with me because I was so sick in 2013 (my daughter was young, away from her mommy). 

Note: links to the original writings are just that, the originals! They are not the edited, official versions. 
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If you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page! Of course, the best way to keep up on Inner Reformation is to follow me on Facebook & Instagram. You can also subscribe to Inner Reformation on Youtube where I post all kinds of lovely outdoor dance videos. Feel free to like, share, or comment on this post. Finally, if you need to reach me, feel free to contact me. Enjoy the journey! Love, Tessa

​Hi, Dear Reader. Since I've compiled the behind the scenes of Making Inner Reformation, the dance, I want to do the same for creating the book--keeping a record of me making it. So let's take a look!

• For starters, I didn't anticipate writing this book for 20 more years
• Major abdominal surgery & some heart-breaking events prompted me to write now, however
• So the project officially kicked off on October 31, 2019
• I had to write several blog posts to get over my fear of writing and revealing. Writing #1, Writing #2, Writing #3, Writing #4
• I then did an adventurous and beautiful thing: I went on a writing retreat in Eureka Springs, Arkansas 
• On this retreat, my book was born. I penned the first chapter and the Introduction
• Chapter two came next. It is a personal chapter involving my parents, so it has yet to be publicly revealed
• Chapter three came out about a month later, February 2020
• In March, chapter four was penned
• And I have been binge-writing throughout the rest of March due to the coronavirus outbreak. Chapters 5-8 were written within four days

So what's next? Thanks for asking! Before the middle of April, I hope to pen the remaining four chapters. I have two persons helping with editing. And we hope to complete this book, editing and all, by October 31, 2020. By the first of the year, or as soon as possible, I hope it is in some way accessible for purchase. And at the end of five years (October 31, 2024), I will pen the epilogue. 


Tell us about your writing process? As I said, I needed time to build up courage, and this was gained through writing blog posts, getting out what I needed to say before writing the actual book. Chapter one was easy to pen, but the Introduction was hard because I was afraid to reveal what is within me (i.e., the scope of my project). Chapters 2 & 3 were a joy to write, even if emotional. Chapters 4-8, I'm still processing. 

For my writing, by the way, I write in a journal and transfer that material to Grammarly. Then, I make public posts on Facebook to gain feedback on each new chapter. The feedback has proved invaluable and has gained me a little over one dozen faithful friends who critique my work. Being an exceptionally tedious person, I read and re-read the whole of the writing; I'm constantly editing it. 


How is this writing impacting you? Overall, I'm enjoying it. Writing doesn't give me as much of a high as making dance, but that's okay. A big concern of mine is not to hurt people I love as I write it and when I make references about them in my book. So I'm very conscious of that while making this art. I'm also a workaholic, so not going to bed at 4 am is hard for me. And some, or a lot, of the subject matter is tough, so emotionally working through that is a necessity. 


What do you hope for this book? I hope that it will pair nicely with my dance and that it will reach as many people as possible. I also hope to enjoy the remaining months and years in creating it. 


Note: links to the original writings are just that, the originals! They are not the edited, official versions. 
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Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project. My life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!

 
The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #5

Tessa's Writing Retreat to Eureka Springs

Hello! It's been a while since I've made a blog entry regarding my book, my written autobiography. Over Thanksgiving (2019), I went on a writing retreat in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I had the best time ever! As a mother, I have never left my kids for that long (save for illness or having a child). So this was a particularly special treat for me. I didn't want to come home; it was that much fun!  

I will include photos of my journey, of course. But first, I want to tell you a bit about my trip. What did I enjoy there? ADVENTURE!!! I saw as much as I possibly could, ate at DELICIOUS restaurants, and wrote and wrote and wrote. 

I love to work hard for hours on end (in this case, on writing), and then I like to celebrate. And this is precisely what I did! I met a lot of people, had some heart-to-heart conversations with strangers, and enjoyed being with myself and being playful. All of this, I humbly accomplished as I wrote the first chapter of my book and the introduction.

Interestingly, the day I started writing in Eureka Springs, I began writing a different book. Earlier, I mentioned how AFRAID I am to write. I needed to get all of that fear out to START the book! I am entirely pleased with the writing accomplished on this retreat, and I feel that it has prepared me for moving forward. I cannot wait to write chapter two!

Of course, having such an enjoyable experience in Eureka Springs, this brings me to my next duty: I need to find another location for writing. I have applied to a residency, and I sincerely hope I get it. The destination is in Alaska, and I requested a four-week stay. Time will tell if I am approved. 

In the meantime, I will keep dancing and writing! Have a blessed New Year. Here are some photos from my writing retreat in Eureka Springs this November, 2019. 

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Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project: my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!

 
                                                                                 
​The Autobiography Written for "Inner Reformation," Writing #3

Can I Be Brave?

I've always been a girl who likes to ask questions. In catechism class, it was one question after another. I loved talking with adults as a youth and could strike up a conversation with just about anyone. At seventeen, I chatted a whole flight with some random guy about COWS. 

Even today, I love questions and conversations. Put me one-on-one or in a group setting, and I will probably steer the discussion with my QUESTIONS because I love hearing people. I love listening. I want to see what knowledge I can gain, what I can learn. Of course, my favorite dialogs involve laughter, but more than this, often, the deeper I can go with someone, the better. Conversations that lead to "I love you," those are my favorite. 

Yet, the irony is, when the tables are turned, when the questions are asked of me, I can freeze up. For whatever reason, it can be hard to answer. I struggle to form the words. I don't know where to begin. But I'm not talking about regular conversing such as "How's the weather?" I think I can do that decently! Instead, I'm talking about personal stuff, having to open up about yourself, who you are, THAT can be tough. Because when you get into the internal things, the inner workings of a person, you start to learn what matters most to people. You begin to discover their greatest joys and their greatest pains. To open up to you about THAT, well, I'm not sure I can, for there is nothing that means more to me than those topics. How can I trust you with what matters most to me?

Yet, the resistance on my part goes even further. I hesitate to tell you personal things because I hate conflict. I hate disagreement. When I finally open up, what if you and I see differently? Then what? Will I distance myself from you; will you pull away from me? Will you hate me? And if you don't measure up to my standards, when you open up to me, will I walk away? Will you leave me if I somehow fail to meet your criteria of "perfection"? 

Or 

What if I hurt you in my telling? What if I inadvertently bring harm to you by expressing what is within me? I hate hurting people. I've already done enough damage; I don't want to offend more! But if I don't speak, would that be akin to a murderous act; when I hold something within that could help you, should I keep it to myself because of my fear? 

In other words,

Can I be honest with you? I mean, REALLY honest? When you press me, when you seek to find out what is within me, can I share, or will I cave? Can I be brave enough to answer what you ask of me? Can I show you what I hold within--what matters most to me?

I'm not sure.


Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post. And if you want to learn more about all I do, visit my about page!

Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out, now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!

 
                                                                                 
​The Autobiography Written

I'm going to tell you a story. It's so complex; you may wonder if it's real. I wonder if it's real ALL OF THE TIME. As a matter of fact, I don't believe the story. I don't trust it's a good story. I think it's a bad story, a stupid story, a story that will have NO GOOD outcome. And YET, I guess I do have something MILDLY within that says otherwise. 


To be sure, I've always had something inside me that ACHES. A yearning that never ceases that very rarely allows me to rest. For years I've cried, "PLEASE, Lord!" Yet, the answer is ALWAYS, "No." No, no, no, no, no. That's the answer. EVERY TIME. "NO!"


Since I've been told NO repeatedly, for twenty years and counting, I cannot find any faith that there will ever be a "Yes" this side of eternity. How could there be? It hasn't happened YET! The wait feels long, too long, and the journey, insanely confusing. And at this point, things are at their worst, and that is not an exaggeration. 


But the funny thing is, the peculiar thing, alongside my current, voracious unbelief, or perhaps somewhere in the middle of it, very faintly glowing, is this continual, persistent nudge that says, "Tessa, it's going to happen." Like a reality that's trying to penetrate my mind and heart; it's persistent: Tessa, the impossible is going to happen. 


BUT . . .


But what if that inclination is bogus? Maybe that MILD thing within that's trying to counter the unbelief--maybe that mild thing within is a BIG FAT LIE. That whisper of promise, that hint of fulfillment, perhaps it's simply NOTHING. Or worse! An evil plot to get your hopes up, to tease you, to torment you. To make your earthly life MISERABLE, like you're experiencing a smidgen of hell--or like, a foreshadowing of your sure allotment in hell. God out to get you. Slowly killing you, torturing you with all you ever wanted, keeping it JUST OUT OF REACH. Like you're on a leash: you can only get so close to the thing you've PRAYED FOR (panted for) only to be YANKED back. And so you're left questioning EVERYTHING, at the point of compromising all you've ever believed: you're on the edge of doing something desperate. For you have never been answered in the affirmative, but only teased with visions of something YOU CAN'T HAVE. Nonetheless, it's there, dangling right in front of you like you could almost reach out and hug it, but it's NOT for you.  


So what do you do? That little thing within you that's trying to calm your fear, what is it? Which is it? A big fat lie, a sure promise, or something in the middle. And WHEN will you ever KNOW???? Will the answer always be, "No"? 


Well, maybe I shouldn't say this. Perhaps I shouldn't do this. The little flicker would probably say, "DON'T say what you're about to write." But, rebellious me will take a stab at it: that little flicker within is probably one big, fat-ass lie. And I've been the fool for 20 years and counting. It's nothing but a joke, a lie, a riddle, an illusion. An impossible situation that I cannot do. 


And so what did I do? 


I did the only thing I could: I left! 



Click here for my previous writing. And here you see can see a record of my Facebook post.


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Hi, welcome to Inner Reformation! My name is Tessa Priem. You can learn more about me on the right and by perusing my site. I am beginning a new phase to my dance project; my life story is danced out,  now I aim to put it into words. I'm playing around with the term "reality literature" or "social media lit," where I will be sharing my writings via Facebook. My website will sort of serve as the hub where it's all collected. Enjoy!

 
                                                                                 
​The Autobiography Written

I was once told, "Getting to know you is like diving into a 3 x 5 pool." I laughed when I read it, and yet it hurt. It was sadly true: getting to know me was HARD. The man continued, "Getting to know you is like diving into a 3 x 5 pool, and I want to dive into an ocean." He wasn't saying, "Tessa, you're shallow. There's not much to you." He was highlighting, "You won't let me dive deep."

I kept his words with me because I knew that's not who I wanted to be. And yet, for me to let people SEE me, well, that was a no-no. For them to know what was inside me, no way! Or to externally see my vulnerabilities, heavens no!  

But as life would have it, by necessity, I've had to become more aquatic, oceanic. And yet, hardly has the surface been scratched. The fact is: I HATE telling you about me. And I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid it. I won't call you for over a year. I won't make plans with you. I will change the subject. I will avoid eye contact with you. I will ask more and more questions about YOU.  Because I don't WANT to tell you. "I don't want to talk about it;" that's what I used to say. 

Someone that I once loved MOST, more than anything else in the world, even more than I loved God, he told me, "Tessa, you know, if you don't learn to talk about your problems, someday that's going to harm you." Fast forward a decade & a half, he was right. Severe depression, almost fatal; a health collapse--it FELT fatal. And yet there I was, still alive: having to confess all I NEVER WANTED TO CONFESS.



Here you see can see a record of my Facebook post.