The Making of Inner Reformation
In a lot of dance art done today, or at least 10-15 years ago when I was in undergrad and part of a company, it was emphasized that the meaning of a show/dance is what the individual audience member makes the meaning to be. This used to discourage me a good bit because as a dancer, I wanted to know from the choreographer the meaning of WHY I was doing what I was doing so that I could perform better (i.e. knowing the motivation behind the movement). Thus for this reason, and other reasons, sadly I began to hate dance because essentially there was little clarity offered in what I was being asked to do (not in all cases, but several). As a result, I stopped dancing for nearly a decade.
In that time, I experienced depression and a health collapse, some of the worst events of my life. And, ironically, I began to find that art made me feel hopeful and encouraged. Seeing art allowed me to cry and release all kinds of frustration that I felt inside because I saw in it something that I could not find in my mundane, messy life at that time: beauty. That for me was very powerful. Art was beginning to heal me.
I began my project, "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced," in October 2016. I had no idea if I could accomplish the initial goals of it (the first two years of the project). I was very doubtful that I could, for I had lots of obstacles to overcome. But in time, everything fell into place, and I am so thankful that it did.
Thus, that initial struggle that I had dancing long ago, that growing distaste for it because I sensed little clarity in what I was doing as a performer (of WHY I was sharing it with the audience and what benefit it could bring to the individual audience member), this former struggle of mine has definitely influenced the making of my current solo show, "Inner Reformation." My work is loaded with meaning because of my former frustration with modern dance as an art form, and because I am someone who is constantly looking for meaning in life or rather, I find in life that there is a ton of meaning. These two things greatly impact my work.
While certainly, every individual who comes to my show may walk away with different ways/thoughts of how the show impacted them, which is great (it makes me SO happy to hear the thoughts of audience members), there is a definite thought process going on behind the creation of "Inner Reformation." The choreographer knows what she's up to for the most part and is striving to communicate those things with the audience.
That said, I am SO afraid of sharing my meaning because well, to put it bluntly, people may not like you if you do. And furthermore, in the contemporary dance world meaning may still be considered a bit taboo (considered too literal, too this or that, and thus dismissed). And I'm like most people, I hate disconnection. I hate rejection. I hate not fitting in. Those things hurt. And when you experience any of that in life, it's easy to get afraid of experiencing it again, because it's hard to manage those negative feelings that are associated with disconnection, rejection, & pain. At least it is for me.
However, as an artist, I have an obligation. I must go against my internal fears of rejection & dismissal because part of what artists are great at pointing out is things that no one wants to say or making points that no one dare make. And THAT I think is SO admirable and needed and, thus, well worth the potential discomfort or dismissal.
So even though I hesitate in sharing the meaning behind WHY I'm doing what I'm doing (in fact, the first 2 ½ years of my project, I've struggled with being silent for fear), and even though I'm concerned that the professional community may not receive my art because my work is made largely for the sake of understanding, I realize that I must go against my fear and open up. Because as an artist, I have an obligation. And not only do I have an obligation, but as an artist, I have that privilege: to speak, to share, to be transparent, and to be a catalyst for potential change &/or inspiration. I have to be brave.
Thus, below you will find different topics that you can click on to learn more about the making of this show, “Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced.” My thoughts are nowhere near complete. I am very much still learning. But below is a good representation of where I've been, where I currently am, and where I hope to go. Enjoy!
In that time, I experienced depression and a health collapse, some of the worst events of my life. And, ironically, I began to find that art made me feel hopeful and encouraged. Seeing art allowed me to cry and release all kinds of frustration that I felt inside because I saw in it something that I could not find in my mundane, messy life at that time: beauty. That for me was very powerful. Art was beginning to heal me.
I began my project, "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced," in October 2016. I had no idea if I could accomplish the initial goals of it (the first two years of the project). I was very doubtful that I could, for I had lots of obstacles to overcome. But in time, everything fell into place, and I am so thankful that it did.
Thus, that initial struggle that I had dancing long ago, that growing distaste for it because I sensed little clarity in what I was doing as a performer (of WHY I was sharing it with the audience and what benefit it could bring to the individual audience member), this former struggle of mine has definitely influenced the making of my current solo show, "Inner Reformation." My work is loaded with meaning because of my former frustration with modern dance as an art form, and because I am someone who is constantly looking for meaning in life or rather, I find in life that there is a ton of meaning. These two things greatly impact my work.
While certainly, every individual who comes to my show may walk away with different ways/thoughts of how the show impacted them, which is great (it makes me SO happy to hear the thoughts of audience members), there is a definite thought process going on behind the creation of "Inner Reformation." The choreographer knows what she's up to for the most part and is striving to communicate those things with the audience.
That said, I am SO afraid of sharing my meaning because well, to put it bluntly, people may not like you if you do. And furthermore, in the contemporary dance world meaning may still be considered a bit taboo (considered too literal, too this or that, and thus dismissed). And I'm like most people, I hate disconnection. I hate rejection. I hate not fitting in. Those things hurt. And when you experience any of that in life, it's easy to get afraid of experiencing it again, because it's hard to manage those negative feelings that are associated with disconnection, rejection, & pain. At least it is for me.
However, as an artist, I have an obligation. I must go against my internal fears of rejection & dismissal because part of what artists are great at pointing out is things that no one wants to say or making points that no one dare make. And THAT I think is SO admirable and needed and, thus, well worth the potential discomfort or dismissal.
So even though I hesitate in sharing the meaning behind WHY I'm doing what I'm doing (in fact, the first 2 ½ years of my project, I've struggled with being silent for fear), and even though I'm concerned that the professional community may not receive my art because my work is made largely for the sake of understanding, I realize that I must go against my fear and open up. Because as an artist, I have an obligation. And not only do I have an obligation, but as an artist, I have that privilege: to speak, to share, to be transparent, and to be a catalyst for potential change &/or inspiration. I have to be brave.
Thus, below you will find different topics that you can click on to learn more about the making of this show, “Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced.” My thoughts are nowhere near complete. I am very much still learning. But below is a good representation of where I've been, where I currently am, and where I hope to go. Enjoy!
To learn more about "Inner Reformation: an Autobiography Danced," click here.
