Ten Years of Inner Reformation

Picture of Tessa on Pentecost 2026. 

Ten years have passed since Inner Reformation began.

As I look back, I realize that many of the writings below were created before I found the courage to fully tell my story.

Hi, my name is Tessa, the creator of Inner Reformation.

In 2016, Inner Reformation began as an art project to make sense of my life and to also share my testimony.

Specifically, my art venture began with a dance, though it was always my goal to WRITE out my story with the hopes of telling it someday.

In fact, this dream began when I was in my early 20s and met Jesus, and I was moved by the Parable of the Sower.

Fast forward many years. After a mental collapse and health collapse, I finally began to tell my story through dance.

After that, I finally began to write out the story, and eventually, I began to TELL it—to verbalize it.

But before all of that—before I could dance, write, or tell—I had to work through a lot of fear, unbelief, and unresolved trauma.

So, it took me a lot of years to create and a lot of years to work up the courage.

Now, I've entered a new season of Inner Reformation. I'm finally starting to do all that I've longed to do, and I am grateful for that.

Now, my YouTube ventures begin, where all that is in my heart can flourish and thrive.

Thank you for being here.

This blog was my attempt to begin my writing journey long ago.

You can scroll down to 2019 to see the thought process and fear that took hold of me to TELL back then.

Thankfully, I am past all of that now, but I would like to keep a record of the writing journey as a keepsake. Hence, this blog.

However, since it's been 7 years since beginning the book and 10 years since beginning my dance, I will share dates and seasons of what all took place in art and life as I first began to work on my book and dance.

Enjoy 🌹



The Journey

• In 2016, as I shared, I began creating my dance. It debuted in 2018.

• In 2019, I had major abdominal surgery to remove a large cyst from my ovary. This meant that all of my hopes for my dance were put on hold. Gigs were canceled, and my journey was re-routed.

• So, I decided to do what I had always longed to do: I officially began writing my book since I could not dance due to surgery.

• Before beginning the book, however, I also worked on other things. I wrote a Bible study. I began an Outdoor Dance Project and a Thriving Project to coincide with my book. As this was happening, I also did a Push-up Challenge with friends, was making plans to continue my solo dance show via LIVE streaming, and was creating LOTS of art online.

• After saying goodbye to family in 2019, on October 31st of that year, my book finally began. It was a terrifying process, but one that I continued despite the obstacles.

To begin, I had to get ALL of the fear outside of me. I had to VOICE all that I was afraid of in order to begin writing. My main concern was that I had to be HONEST.

Honest and fully OPEN.

I could not hide or run away from what I needed to tell.

• People told me at the start, "If you do this, you will hurt people." I said, "I know," but what they never told me was that I would lose nearly everything, nor did they tell me all that I would gain.

• Once the mounting fear was out, I took a trip to Eureka Springs in late 2019. On that trip, someone further suggested that I leave my situation to begin a new life. However, that's when the clarity came. I knew that I HAD to write a book about the impossible. I could do NO OTHER thing. For if I did, it would be dishonest.

• So, I started writing the book. I wrote Chapter One. I wrote the Introduction.

• I then wrote Chapter Two and Chapter Three. In March of 2020, Chapter Four was penned, and I spent the rest of that March working on Chapters 5–8 as the coronavirus broke out. I then did another binge-writing session for Chapters 9–12.



The Writing Process

However, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Early on, two editors began helping. They were both a godsend.

• Then, a little more than 12 people helped privately read my work, and they did this for a number of years. They became instrumental in helping me further refine my voice.

As this private editorial work continued, I also publicly shared the book's Introduction, Chapter One, and Chapter Three to gain feedback. After that, everything—every writing thereafter—was mostly kept private between me and my proofreaders.

• In looking back nearly seven years later, it's clear to me that I expected the book to be done and nearly refined after two years, and I thought I would pen the Epilogue five years after beginning.
However, my timing was insufficient since a book of this magnitude would take years.

• In addition to utilizing close friends to gain priceless feedback, I also worked with Grammarly for editing, but did not use AI.

While it was intended to be a 5-year project, I sorely underestimated the amount of time needed, and that's okay.

I'm a hard worker, so anytime I begin a project, I work for hours and hours on end trying to create and eventually perfect. It takes a ton of concentration, thought, patience, prayer, and LOTS of time.



The Fear

​• To gain further context of that initial fear, here's a snippet from an original post concerning the book, written in May 2020:

"Somehow, my editor has chosen visualizations that apply to my life. Without knowing me, she chose a box and a music box. I had to close my eyes and imagine my book fitting inside of these. At the end of the BOX visualization, I threw my papers into the air. Afterward, I sobbed like a baby in front of my editor (Note: it is only because of that visualization that I dared to write chapters 9-12 of my book, knowing that I could not hide anything). With the music box, I held the box to my chest and smiled. She has no idea how these visualizations are eerily familiar to my life story."

• Here are other quotes from that time:

"Now that my rough draft is complete, how am I feeling? Self-doubt has never been greater. My mind keeps asking, "Did I write the right story?" Fear is screaming . . . . I had tons of self-doubt while creating my dance, but nothing like this. What are my biggest fears? I fear to hurt people . . . I fear that I shouldn't be writing the book . . . I fear that I could lose all that matters to me. I fear that I've written the wrong book . . . . Most of all, I fear that I will lose my faith . . . . I'm concerned I will be alienated from most of my support structures. These are all deeply terrifying thoughts for me."

Sadly, as it turns out, I wasn't far off from most of the things I deeply feared long ago.

• Here's another quote from that time:

"How do I counter these fears? By working on things that I can control, and by letting my faith speak to what is within me . . . . The concerns cannot have the upper hand."

• Looking back, it's clear that I viewed myself as the "bad guy" of my story. Now, I no longer do.

It was easy to see myself as the bad guy since I had unresolved trauma and many questions and accusations were flung at me throughout.

"Don't you feel bad writing about that person; isn't that inconsiderate?"

"Are you sure this writing project is worth it; what if it comes back to haunt you?"

"Are you sure you aren't exaggerating; I don't believe you."

Before that, someone said, "You aren't owning up to your story," then ghosted me.

But these accusations didn't hurt. In fact, I barely remember them being said since the ones that followed nearly killed me.

I'm recalling visions of a certain conversation at a McDonald's that butchered me.



The Cost

• Here's another quote:

"Tell us one fun thing about your editing process."

Answer:

"I read my book over and over using different accents to edit, mostly British."

• As I worked on the book for many years, I dreamed of making my solo dance show LIVE from my basement. I had nearly all of the equipment.

However, that too, along with my entire life, was disrupted as I tried to thrive.

• I even worked to make the book available in written, audio, and video form. I created multiple files to release.

Yet that, as well, came to naught throughout the years because I really did lose almost everything by penning the book since the book was disgusting and scandalous to some.

• Twice it was shared behind my back.

• I nearly lost my kids ("It's not safe for them to be with her," it was said), and my marriage completely disintegrated as I refused to take back what I wrote. 

But I don't regret any of it.

Not a single bit of it.

Why?

Because I was honest.

I was fully open.

• And not once did I bend my knee to my accusers.

Not once.

• You can't change the meaning of a book just because certain people don't like it.

You can't make MAN your God just to keep that man in your life.

You have to be brutally honest and unflinchingly brave, no matter what you lose, because that is the only way to win.

• You MUST speak what is within you, and you can speak nothing less.

Only a demonic theology would say otherwise.



Faith and Thriving

Indeed, many times throughout writing, I nearly lost my faith because of how much it was costing.

Early on, I thought I might become "progressive."

Instead, over time, I was led to the roots of Christianity and eventually repented of my former faith.

In fact, I often say:

"It is through great suffering that I entered the Catholic Church."

• In 2025, six years after beginning my book, I left behind all I formerly believed and once devoted myself to and was confirmed into the Church on Easter Vigil. 

It was a marvelous day. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself again and need to slow down.

• In late 2021, I took a trip to Oregon to continue working on my book.

• Before that, I went to Hannibal, Missouri, and at many points throughout, I worked from home and near Kansas City.

• I also created LOTS of art in between book sessions, as I shared.

• Finally, on October 31, 2024, my book was supposed to be done. The five years were up.

But not a lick of actual thriving occurred during that time.

In fact, by year three, I completely gave up on the idea of thriving. I didn't think it would come, and I had no choice but to let that hope die as well.

• Little did I know that on that October 31st, as I sang in Mass on All Saints Eve as a visitor—the VERY day my in-laws moved to my town—little did I know that just DAYS after that 5-year anniversary, thriving and COLOR would finally enter my life.

Yes, after five grueling, horrifying years of writing and telling, THRIVING—true thriving—started to arrive.

And since then, I've never been the same.



Today

• By 2026, I now use my FULL voice in song, word, and story. I cantor. I sing. 
• I use it in art, healing, and in loving.
• In believing and in living.
• By now, I am healed and whole.
• I am loved and cherished.
• And I am SO happy.

Yes. I grieve over all that I lost because I lost a lot.

But I gained everything.

And I STILL believe in God for the impossible.

The enemy's darts didn't kill me, and they never took away my faith.

When I left family to write my book in 2019, I said to a particular person that I left:
"I don't know how to thrive in this situation." I never could have imagined the horrific events that would unfold after leaving, but nor could I have fathomed the glorious adventure that I would be confirmed into.

So, here I am.

• I am here now . . . to help me and to help us live a more whole, peaceful, and abundant life TOGETHER.

Thank you for being here with me, and I can't wait to keep journeying.



The Writings Below

Below are the writings I completed before I could actually begin writing my book in 2019.

They showcase the massive fear I held, but also the great battle within to be honest, open, and brave.

They showcase part of the journey in writing, and I leave them here as a testimony.

Thank you for walking a little of that journey with me. 
God bless you. 🙏

With love,

​Tessa



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